Not all storms come to disrupt your life, some come to clear your path

I would describe an eating disorder not just as a storm but as a hurricane with a magnetic center – you.  No matter where you run to in life, the eating disorder will find you and fling your world upside down.

I used to think the eating disorder was the problem but in hindsight, the lessons I learned through recovery was the solution.

I used to have an inability to be alone.  My eating disorder saved me from that by giving me a best friend that was there – always.  One of the hardest things I ever had to learn in recovery was how to be alone...and still feel ok.  I have that one nailed now.  If not for the eating disorder shining a light on how challenging that was for me, maybe I would still have a vague sense of unease, a hole that couldn’t be filled.  I don’t have that anymore.  I have made peace with being alone.

I used to have an inability to tolerate emotions – any emotions.  If I was happy, sad, nervous, afraid, excited...I would medicate with my eating disorder behaviours.  Today, I feel all the emotions.  And I love that about myself.  The last time I cried with happiness was last week.  I cried last week from sadness too.  And I’m ok.  

If I learned anything about emotions in recovery, it is that emotions are meant to be in motion.  If they are stagnant, something is keeping them stuck that needs attending to.  I move more fluidly through life because my emotions are fluid.

I used to be focused solely on my body because I thought that would keep me safe.  I used to feel proud and powerful that I could control my body.  

I feel more pride and power now that I have gained my freedom, than I ever felt from having the ‘perfect body’.  And I don’t have to do anything to keep that freedom except to wake up in the morning.

Sometimes I wake up and feel happy because I’m free and then I get happy that I am free, so it becomes a rolling snowball of happiness and freedom.  And that is all before I even climb out of bed!

The high of being recovered is a thousand times higher than any high I ever had in my eating disorder.

Sometimes storms don’t come to destroy our life.  They come to clear a path.

My path asked me to make peace with being alone, feel my feelings and lean into true freedom.