When I look back on all my favourite people in my life, I love them for the way they make me feel. For their smile, their grace, their energy, their spark. I remember feeling loved and cared for by my primary school teacher. A gymnastics coach in high school had a way of making me believe I could tackle difficult skills. My university lecturer marked in a way that highlighted the strengths in my writing and had me wanting to work even harder. When I think of a particular work colleague, I can’t help but smile – he has a way of lighting up every room he walks into.
In recovery, you don’t need to ‘find’ anything. You are not lacking any tool or essential quality you need in order to recover. Every thought, every action, is taking you one step closer to your eating disorder or one step closer to recovery. Every thought and every action is a creation of the next moment in your life.
When I think back to that time I can remember the rush of adrenaline through my veins. When I pause though, and pay attention to what else I was feeling fragments come back to me. The lethargy in between the adrenaline. The isolation. Foggy thoughts. Dizziness. The drill sergeant in my brain, always commanding. The immediate terror I would feel on waking - having to plan out my day.