Meal Support - Going beyond the food

If you are human and you inhabit a body, then you must eat.

When I left the Monte Nido eating disorder treatment centre as a client, I got to participate in their graduation ritual. The ‘Eaters Agreement’ is a personally written, publicly spoken agreement of what I as an eater, agree to.

Recovering from an eating disorder was about so much more than the food. Every time I ate a meal in recovery, I was not only agreeing to eat, I was agreeing to live, to be on earth, to live fully.

This is my agreeement...

Before coming to treatment, I believed the true expression of freedom was having the ability to choose my destiny. What I didn’t realize, was that my eating disorder was choosing. It chose exercise camouflaged as a career. It chose avoidance masked as travel and it chose isolation disguised as independence. Eventually the choices became chains, the pursuit of freedom my prison.

I came to treatment convinced I had the eating disorder that couldn’t be cured. I came to treatment convinced I didn’t have an eating disorder. I came doubtful, egotistical, scared, and hopeful, but I came.

I want it to be known that my eating disorder is a lie. It is an illusionary world I created fourteen years ago. A competition I invited the world to, and found I was the only one in the race. It is a contest that has no winners with the only prize being temporary satisfaction. The cost to enter is happiness, connection and freedom. The aim of this competition is to win, with the only certainty being that inevitably I will lose. It is of an endless duration and is a game that is deadly yet the only way to succeed is to die.

So I choose death. Because if I desire to live more fully, I must shed the parts of me that hold me back. I used to think surrendering to my body was giving up, I now know it is letting go, with the only purpose being to make room for something new. And so, may my old beliefs rest in peace and instead, surrender to the truth. I surrender to the fact that my body’s set point is not a choice.

I surrender to hunger.

I surrender to imperfection.

I choose to live by choice, not by chains. To make changes, not excuses. To be freeful, not fearful. To excel, not compete. I choose to listen to my healthy inner voice and not the random opinion of others.

I agree for the first time to fill both my cupboards and fridge with food. I agree to have a fridge.

I agree to cook for myself.

I agree to eat salad dressing, butter and ice-cream. Especially ice-cream.

I agree to create a life for myself that matters more than my weight.

I am announcing a new pursuit. It is a quest to sit among the admirable souls who have both the drive and surrender to commit to the path of being comfortable in their own skin. The rules are simple. To accept the truth: That I am more than my body. The number of participants will be one. The prize is happiness, connection and freedom. The criterion to succeed is the ability to surrender. The cost to enter is my ego, beliefs and behaviors. The aim is to win. The only certainty is that if I follow the truth I will succeed. I will continue on this path for as long as my heart beats.

I have learned during my time here that in life, pain is inevitable but suffering is optional.

As is recovery.

I agree to have the courage to be wrong about my illusions.

I agree that I fully deserve every bit of happiness I have, because I chose this state of mind. I also deserve every bit of sadness I had, because I chose that too. I agree that if I’m going through hell, to keep going. And that if I’m dancing, to keep dancing.

I agree that in order to live fully, I must first be full.

Finally, I agree that I am who I choose to be. I can’t wait for someone to come and save me. I have to save myself. People will have gifts to offer, but I need reach out and take them. I am the only one that truly knows the longing of my soul, and nobody will have more regret than I will if I don’t reach for it.

And so I agree to full recovery, which is the true expression of freedom.

Kristie Amadio

Interested in working with Kristie for Meal Support? Find out more here.