Never going back
Often people ask me, ‘how is the eating thing going?’
I typically respond, ‘you mean my recovery?’
‘Yes, is that still all good?’
It is here that with a somewhat inward sigh I explain (for what feels like the zillionth time), that there is indeed a thing I call ‘never going back’.
Never going back means exactly what it sounds like. The distinction, however, is that never going back is a choice. As someone that is recovered, I do not fear falling into eating disordered behaviours or thought patterns. I do not fear that I will be blindsided or tempted or swayed. The thing about knowing is you cannot unknow it.
It is a pleasure to say, ‘I know too much’. I know that placing focus and attention on my body, detracts from focus and attention on being my best self. I know that any step I take towards a smaller body, I also take towards a smaller life.
I love Gary Zukav’s sentiment, that “Authentic power, is building something inside of you, which you cannot lose and that no-one can take from you.”
In recovering from my eating disorder, I gained this internal strength. I have had knocks in my life. I have felt deep deep sadness, hurt, betrayal and the unknown. And the amount of desire I had to return to an eating disorder? Nil. Because I know with every cell of my being that turning to an eating disorder would not help the situation. Where before I felt better, I would now feel worse. Where before things would seem simpler, this would only complicate them. The eating disorder world that used to make sense is now topsy turvy and the world that was once scary is now my haven.
How to get to this place of authentic power? Of peace and stillness? You must listen. To the faint whisper inside of you that is curious if there is perhaps another way. This is your soul. Be still and listen, for it knows the way.
